A Blur in Autumn





This week has been… well, a blur.

My plasma infusion absolutely wiped me out — headache that lingered for three solid days, like a houseguest who didn’t get the hint. I’ve had tougher ones before, but this one definitely took the crown. Still, I managed to crawl out the other side long enough to submit my first ever Religious Studies assignment.

The question? “Define religion.”
As if. Who can? Honestly. I had a full-blown existential spiral before I even opened Word. But it’s in now, and somehow I survived it. I did better than I thought, I had a little cry about the whirlwind that is my life, and how little Clare LOVED this subject but never pursued it. 
Read Paul Tillich, thoroughly lost my mind, cried again, standard life of a showgirl level drama. 




Despite the chaos, I’m starting to settle in. There’s something electric about this place. The lecturers actually want to be here — they love what they teach. It’s not a backup plan, not something they fell into. That passion hums under everything, and it’s contagious. It's EXCITING! 
I also just realised how much I love being around intelligent people who welcome curious questions. My favourite word has always been "Why?" 
I found myself doing a crossword in a paper (Which I haven't done since pre-covid actually- thanks brain fog... ) Colour-coding all my notes (Who even is this person?) 
Booking in a dyslexia screening again... 
Keeping FASTIDIOUS journals again. I have a VISION BOARD... (SERIOUSLY, WHO IS THIS GIRL...?) 💖💅

As lectures are in the evenings, I hide out at the museum. It’s become my little anchor — quiet, steady, full of ghosts and meaning. It helps me remember why I’m here, why I chose this subject, why I even kept pushing through to get here at all.

I’ve always loved the humanities. I love people — even though I have absolutely no idea how to socialise with them. So instead, I write absurd poetry about it, stare into the middle distance, and wallflower my way through life. Seems to work.

On a more practical note: flu season has arrived early. I got my jab at the local pharmacy — quick, painless, efficient. Don’t get caught out like I did last year (mine failed spectacularly, boo). This time, I wasn’t taking chances.

When I’m not annotating everything in sight with three different highlighters, I’m trying to go more analogue — less screen, more sanity. I’ve started downloading PDFs instead of streaming them online. If I don’t, I end up lost on the internet, dodging pop-ups and capitalism like a video game. Not the one. Not a vibe. 😠

The sauna has been my sanctuary this week. Between tarot readings, study sessions, and the usual chaos, I’ve needed it. It’s funny — I never thought I’d actually do this, start again, foundation year and all. Feels strange, admitting that my first round at uni was simply the wrong time, the wrong subject, the wrong place. But this time? This one feels right. There’s a pulse here — something alive, something mine.

The hybrid setup helps too. It means I can pace myself, not burn out before the year’s even begun.

Friends-wise, things are calm. I went back to am-dram for some tech help, which was honestly a joy. I do miss performing — that ache never really goes away — but if I tried to do a show and study right now, I’d probably end up horizontal for a week. AND THEN end up on another course of antibiotics... As per. 

As for Halloween… the great debate continues. Witch, or Philomena Cunk? I can’t decide. What do I dress up as? 
I will obviously be staying in, but like... my folks are committed... they're celebrating, and when your mama is a witch, you don't really get to say otherwise... 
I will be having a dumb supper, honouring my dad, and my ancestors, 
and then we will be watching either Wacko or something old school, like Freddy Kruger 

Thoughts welcome. Drop your verdict! 

With my heart, 

Clare Alexandra

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