January Vibes (Combatting January Blues) 💙
💙Life Lately...
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| The gratitude app giving me affirmations! ... Honestly that app has helped me so much and I have a 101 day streak! |
The next few days feel… full. In that slightly overwhelming but also very exciting way.
I’m prepping for my birthday, for blood tests, for new university modules, and for something that still feels a bit surreal to say out loud: I’m starting formal archaeology study for the first time in my life. Actual archaeology. Proper modules. I cannot overstate how excited I am. Nervous too, obviously, but the good kind. The kind that means you care.
Amongst all of this, I did a very adult, very sensible thing and replaced my medical ID bracelet.
My old one had been with me since I was first diagnosed. It’s battered, scratched, and honestly kind of unhinged looking now, but it did its job for a long time. Unfortunately, the engraving has worn down to the point where it can’t really be read anymore, which means it’s no longer keeping me safe. And that matters more than sentiment.
Still, letting it go was harder than I expected.
So I ordered a new one from Etsy. Rose gold plated, with cultured pearls. I was… sceptical. Shopping online for something like this is terrifying. Would the engraving be clear? Would the materials be decent? Would the pearls be real or plasticky? Would it even fit my wrist? I was actually pleasantly surprised and found them to be the best kind of pearls... Baroque, misshapen, cultured freshwater pearls. I prefer the ones that have flaws actually, as I find the rounder ones too artificial looking and off putting..
It arrived, and I genuinely love it. One of the pearls is slightly misshapen in the cutest way and looks like a tiny heart, which I find unbearably charming. An accident in nature. I felt weirdly emotional about that. If you know, you know. All of my medical info is on there, engraved, black text, solid font, and nothing is spelled incorrectly!. 10/10.
I also just really like hearts, that's why the other chain on there is a heart chain haha! I am a soft girl and a soft romantic, and even when I write study notes.. I bullet-point with tiny hearts! I think I have done this since I was in maybe sixth form although it's not exactly mature..
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| Look at it! It's so cute! And I am cheesy and I do believe in signs! |
I’m also really enjoying my studies at the moment, which still feels worth saying out loud. I have actually been a bit bored over Christmas break and using this time to read up... I can't actually wait to go back next week! I am excited! though that sounds like something that people won't believe when I say it out loud! haha and I have come to terms with the fact that I am super nerdy.
I got an essay mark back that was just a bit under what I’d hoped for, and I was gently reassured not to beat myself up about it. That reassurance landed harder than I expected. I didn’t realise how much pressure I’d been quietly putting on myself until someone told me I didn’t need to. It wasn't even a bad average at all.. in fact it was really good! I just aim a lot for perfection, and it just wasn't quite Carling. I am not sure why but I seemed to have fallen into the trap on that one of "I have to get everything I can find into this Bibliography so that I can not be attacked" and because of the topic I chose, which was dicey I treated it like fighting with a boomer over Facebook... IT WAS UNHINGED. I also couldn't defend my case study... Tough. Formal language also needs a thesaurus from time to time, and the answer to my question was "It actually doesn't apply here, because we still do not know"... That said my average was solid! I had absolutely savage references too.. slay. I am nosy and I have to find things out, because I love history and so I have to know all the gossip and tea! 🍵✉📚
I learned from it, I improved and I was supported! That's it.
Learning to accept help when it’s offered is such a strange thing, especially when you live with chronic illness. It can feel like weakness. Like if you don’t absolutely smash everything all the time, then somehow your capabilities, your character, even your right to take up space are questionable. I know that sounds such a weird thing to say, but hear me out, I promise..
We talk a lot about chronically ill people who shrink themselves. Who give up ambition. Who disappear politely. What we don’t talk about nearly as much are the overachievers. The ones who refuse to slow down. The ones who are then told they’re doing too much, being arrogant, making their illness their personality, or somehow betraying other people with the same condition.
I have CVID and acute asthma, and I’ve realised recently just how hard I’ve been on myself. How much I thought I had to neutralise my illness by outperforming everyone else. That’s not sustainable, and it’s not kind. I do it in work too... I have taken on too many hours, and definitely learned that actually no one care about how hard you flog yourself.. They are about how steady you are... and in Modern History? I was flogging myself. It also just made me stressed to read some of the things I saw in Regency era and Victorian archives about disability, and poverty and it just sent me into a shock spiral. I knew it was bad, everyone knows that Dickensian=Bad but you only learn HOW EXTREME it is when you actively begin to study it for the first ever time... I am better for it... But it was BRUTAL! I am glad it is over and I can breathe, with new reading recommendations and a sense of how things will imrpove... Be part of the change you wish to see right? right..
So I’ve been trying to make smarter, gentler choices.
I bought a Bluetooth keyboard for my tablet. Not a treat. A tool. I’m actively trying to stop calling basic necessities “treating myself”.
The idea is that I can work in small, manageable chunks. Writing notes on the go. Doing bits of essays in the library instead of producing enormous drafts late at night and then spiralling about them. It’s pink, obviously. Super thin. Cheap enough that when I inevitably drop it, I won’t cry about it. It was about a tenner and honestly? A great purchase. I got mine here:👉 Keyboard Link
My problem is, when I love something, I obsess... and I lose sleep, it's the "slave to the muses" thing. I have gotten better at it though! But tiny chunks? to avoid blocking in several hours in an evening and using the library search tool like Alice's Rabbit hole? yes..
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| Curiouser and Curiouser.... |
I also got some under-eye masks, which have been surprisingly soothing and have helped with the discolouration from sleepless nights. I have the flavour of CVID that sometimes makes falling asleep a nightmare, so this felt like a small but very welcome win.
They're made with 24k gold, and collagen... But are also super cooling and gentle... They also help when you're crying a lot.. as a soft girl... I cry a lot so.. I got those HERE:👉 24K EYE MASK LINK
The latest thing I cried about... a Netflix documentary. About a cave system called "The Rising Star Cave System" in South Africa.... Let me explain though!
In this documentary, essentially a team of Archaeologists and Paleoanthropologists were working together to unlock the secrets of some cave burials, the humans they unearthed were the Homo Naledi... so not exactly human. The evidence they found that's highlighted in this 2023 documentary suggests that the Homo Naledi however had a knowledge or at least a sentient awareness of birth and death, thereby treating death as a sacred part of life.
The fossilised Naledi that was unearthed looked to have a stone cut tool in their hand, a child's skeleton too. Those things suggest empathy, an awareness and an expression of identity and possession. So close to human... There was also a powerful reconstruction in animated format of how a Naledi funeral might have looked while a Paleoanthropologist was asking the questions that I love to ask myself. Who were they? Would they have sung together? Did they have their own language? Did they have a religion? The marks on the cave also suggest the consecration of the burial space in the cave. I was bawling like a literal; baby at this cartoon montage while a highly educated Paleoanthropologist asked every question I have always wondered abut early humans, like "What was the first word ever spoken?" or "I wonder if they had families that literally cared about each other? or if they were one homogenous tribe? I wonder if they were ever leaving tribes to join new ones? Did they have monogamy or not? Did they have an awareness of their relationships with others? did they name those relationships different things? did they grieve? did they draw? did they wonder who they were? did they have named and signifiers? Honestly, I love this stuff so much. I know I nerd out a lot, but I really love it.. If you've seen it? haha then you know, if you haven't? Go watch it!
The cave that was almost bloody impossible to get to, suggests deliberate disposal, and resting of their dead. The Naledi are so much like us in this regard, and having just finished the Religions module, of course this hit me in the chest..
This therefore hints that the Homo Naledi were the first to have shown a sophisticated sense of religion and ontological introspection. This also challenges the notion that only early humans did this.
The cartoon segment of this actually hit like a sucker punch.
I then got myself to Scribd.. where I downloaded some of my reading list.. its a tenner a month and has honestly been a lifesaver! Then bought some of the books on the essential lists that I could not find on there, and put in some orders for others...
And yes. I did also get myself a proper treat.
Yara by Lattafa. The perfume and the oil.
It is warm, rich, and honestly quite outrageous. The oil smells completely different to the spray version. Deeper. Softer. Potent. Wear this if you want attention. I am not exaggerating when I say a woman literally chased me down the street to ask what I was wearing.
I panicked. Immediately. Social interaction jump scare. But also… iconic.
It's got this creamy vanilla vibe, tropical fruits, sweet berries, a dash of pineapple, some woody musks and honestly, it smells dangerous... There is nothing cute about this stuff it's actually mammalian.
👉Perfume Link
Get it absolutely, but do not be surprised if your partner declares it embargoed!
It would be fun to wear on dates or on the pull though...
Unless you flirt like I do...
What a scene....
My sister came to visit too, which was really lovely. We’d missed her and her other half. Christmas and New Year were quiet this year, partly because so many people are struggling so badly with energy bills right now. It’s genuinely frightening. We’re very aware that transitioning to solar when we did has made a huge difference for us.
And finally, as I bought a book of Sappho. I’ve annotated the hell out of it. She deserves her own post when I’m done, and she will absolutely get one. I am halfway through... Honestly, she is boujie and I am here for it... She needs her own post though... trust me on this!
It’s what she would have wanted. 💅✨
All of this feels like preparation. Not just for a birthday or a new term, but for a slightly different way of living. One that’s still ambitious, still curious, still deeply me, but not built on punishing myself into the ground.
Just... Well... when I am I am actually getting very honest about myself and what I am doing...
Mindfulness, being gentle with myself... And trying to dismantle these things, to stay engaged and sustainable.
That feels like progress. And I’ll take it.
With My Heart, 💖💎
Clare Alexandra
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